Worry of Success After ADHD Setbacks
ADHD has a way of making good streaks feel like ticking time bombs. There’s a rush that comes from finally feeling on top of things. But smoldering underneath the momentum is a burning fear: When will I mess up next?
Can I really be blamed for living like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop? It’s been this way even before my late diagnosis of inattentive ADHD at 40. It comes from a pattern: No matter how many checklists I prepare or planners I use but don’t stick to (if you know, you know), there’s always something important that I’ll miss despite all the other things I’ve managed to achieve. Sometimes it’s forgetting to toss out the empty protein bar wrapper. Sometimes it’s leaving the garage door open or the front door unlocked.
I do so well — until I don’t. It’s almost like I’ve come to learn to fear success because it means failure is lurking.
The Other Shoe Syndrome: Bracing for Failure
When I inevitably mess up, the shame doesn’t trickle in. It crashes over me like a tidal wave. There’s shock, embarrassment, frustration, self-disgust, and confusion. Was my progress even progress at all? The crushing disappointment of it all chips away at my self-confidence — the same self-confidence I am fighting to maintain and model for my two young children. It’s the kind of spiral that makes you feel like you’re back in middle school, excited to present in front of the class, only to realize that you’ve completely misunderstood the assignment.
You know the “put a finger down” game? Where you lower a finger down for every experience you can relate to?
Let’s play. Put a finger down if you’ve ever been told:
- “You always need a reminder. Can’t you just be more organized?”
- “I feel like I’m constantly nagging you. Why do you put me in that position?”
- “It’s like you don’t care about…”
- “It just seems lazy to me, like you don’t want to do the work.”
- “Now that you have an ADHD diagnosis, everything’s about ADHD.”
[Read: “How I Halt the ADHD Shame Cycle in Its Tracks”]
Are most of your fingers down? Yeah, me too.
It’s hard for everyone to stay on top of things. That said, neurotypical people don’t quite understand the painstaking effort it takes neurodivergent brains to do the things their brains do with more ease. They also don’t understand that inconsistency is part of ADHD – a central part of ADHD that we find bewildering, too. It’s crucial to understanding where the fear of success comes from; we know we can’t keep up our hard work.
A single comment is all it takes to unravel. A forgotten protein bar wrapper is not just a crumbled piece of packaging but proof that I’m too much and not enough. And it hurts when my loved ones don’t always see how hard I tried to remember to throw it away.
Then the negative self-talk begins: How could you forget that? What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just remember to do the thing?
Next is going into hiding or a huge breakdown. Or both.
Then the cycle resets. Things are good for a time, so I feel good. And then a mistake consumes me.
[Read: 6 Cognitive Distortions That Fuel Anxiety in ADHD Brains]
Learning to Embrace — Not Fear — Success
Alongside the shame, self-doubt, and fear of messing up is something that I’m trying to become better at recognizing: resilience.
I’m not going to BS you: I still spiral, shut down, and feel like a walking dumpster fire most days. But once the tears dry and the heartache in my chest softens, it is undeniable that something in me keeps wanting to go forward and do better for myself. (I guess it’s why I end up with good streaks.)
The same brain that leaves front doors unlocked and empty wrappers atop counters is the same brain that sees patterns others don’t. It’s the same brain that has built a career in health fighting like hell for people who feel overwhelmed and discarded by the system.
So while the question of, “When will I mess up next?” is still there, so is another question upon which all neurodivergent minds should fixate: “When will I succeed next?”
Fear of Success with ADHD: Next Steps
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