Why Am I So Bizarre? It Was ADHD All Alongside
Jordan has skills but needs to learn to settle down and pay her full attention to achieve her full potential.
All my life people have told me I could do incredible things. They said the sky is the limit, but (there’s always a but!) Just me doing x, y and z. Nobody told me that I am as perfect as I am. There were always conditions.
To some extent, I have tried all my life to do what I was told. I broke excellent grades and exceeded expectations. At the same time, I endured multiple overdoses, self-harm, dropping out of school, dropping out of college, abusive relationships, and deep-seated self-loathing.
I have gone through what appears to be millions of mental health reviews while experts are trying to understand what was wrong with me. A performance stands out because I attended it during a “happy time” (I never see the point of going happy because then I cannot explain my sadness). The psychologist listened while I talked about my life, eyeing my blue hair and my graffiti-covered headphones. Then he gave me the look that people often throw when I talk at 200 miles an hour. Smiling, he asked: “What do you do when you are calm?”
I’m freezing; It was like a buffer symbol was taking over my mind. I don’t think I’ve ever had an answer to a question before. Then it got me.
‘I am never calm!’ I told him, really amazed at this revelation.
[Take This Self-Test: Do I Have ADHD? Symptom Test for Adults]
The psychologist kept talking about giving me a pill and living a normal life. But I stopped listening. I could feel my legs bounce off the chair as my fingers tapped against the cold metal frame. Suddenly I snapped back into the room. What did he say? Quickly, just agree: “Yes.”
“I tested you,” he said. “You may think you want an everyday life, but your body ticks, taps, clicks, zones – they say something else.”
“I’m sorry for you,” he continued. “You have been asked the wrong questions and given the wrong answers all your life. You are not broken; You not two people. You have ADHD, possibly Asperger’s. I can’t give you any more information. Unfortunately, you need a diagnosis first. Get an assessment. “
This appointment changed my life.
What is wrong with me? The signs that were always there
Jordan communicates freely, but occasionally talks too much and too freely. She is lively and still wants to please.
[Read: “What Is Wrong With Me?” ADHD Truths I Wish I Knew As a Kid]
My earliest memories are of getting noticed for the wrong reasons. They are painful memories of seeming hardwired to break unwritten social rules that I didn’t know existed. I didn’t see my missteps until it was too late – my transgressions were written on everyone’s face. The sick feeling came over and over again.
Many children know what it is like when adults don’t listen to what they have to say. Growing up seems to be for most (especially neurotypical people) with this confidence that they know better, or that children are just children. Confuses me! I still struggle to feel confident next to some confident kids.
I tried to tell teachers, my parents, and other adults that I felt weird, but no one was listening. I said, “I don’t feel normal” and they said, “What is normal? Everyone is different. ”These answers made me explode.
It didn’t help my case that no one really saw my dark side. It only comes out when I’m alone. Everyone noticed just one normal, happy child – but it was an act I had to hang up.
In fact, I often felt like I had to wear a mask around others. As if by dark magic, a different mask appeared depending on my surroundings, which never let me show who I was. “I’m near you, not myself!” I tried to explain it to my colleagues, but all I got were perplexed answers.
The answer was not “just try more”
Jordan works well, although she is very unpredictable in class. A more organized approach is needed if it is to reach its potential.
My differences became more apparent when I went to secondary school. My sanity collapsed and I began to act seriously. Teachers don’t like to be challenged? I don’t like pointless rules. (It’s also easier to be the class clown than the weirdo.)
It was during those years that I experienced my first overdose. I was also suspended three times. But by the time I graduated, I had two high school diplomas and several academic awards. I had also published my poems.
Incredible exam result given your poor concentration in class.
Forge my identity and accept my strange things
I followed a pattern at university where I dropped out, hated myself, started over, and dropped out again. In my social life, I partied and hopped between groups of friends. At some point I realized that I didn’t even like the people I was trying to befriend. I was just drawn to them because they were loud and confident. Upon closer inspection, I found that I got along best with other outcasts.
I blossomed as I accepted and emphasized my unique qualities. I enjoyed my strange thoughts. Even in the bizarre group of goths I came into contact with – all with sad faces, jet black hair, and individualism – I was still a stranger. My friends even started making notebooks devoted to the weird things I would say – and I loved it! It meant that I had an identity. I was the funny one. And all in good faith.
So I stopped trying to fit into the norm that I had before. I completely refused and instead aimed for the opposite.
After the appointment that changed everything
After six years of fighting for an assessment, I can officially say I have ADHD. The funny thing is that while I explained practically everything, I was reluctant to take it. After years of self-hatred, I had only just found an identity: the misunderstood freak. But when I went down the rabbit hole of ADHD online, I found that I wasn’t that weird, unique, or crazy at all. All roads only lead back to this state.
Of course, my diagnosis came with mixed feelings. It shook me (temporarily) – getting robbed of my core identity was a little scary.
But my diagnosis ultimately set me free. With that I started forgiving myself and stopping self-loathing. Understanding the reasons for my differences gave me peace and relief. And I’m still here – I’m studying, without medication, screwing it up, but I’m still trying. Forever.
Why Am I So Weird ?: Next Steps
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