I broke up with an ex-girlfriend 14 times over 5 years before realizing how deeply and habitually I was being manipulated. Over the course of that dozen breakups and the years I finally got over them afterward, I realized that I was in an abusive relationship. But like other adults with ADHD who are totally immersed in relationships, I was blinded by my own desire (which was undoubtedly fueled by low self-esteem) never to let my partner down.

I really wanted to be the good guy. But staying in an abusive relationship didn’t make me a hero. She was having a bad time for reasons I couldn’t control and I wanted to save her, but staying made my life harder for years than necessary. And in the end she destroyed and left me than I ever really needed her.

What I’ve learned from this relationship has been invaluable: You don’t have to suffer just because someone else is doing badly.

Adults with ADHD often have difficulty gaining and maintaining the trust of others; nevertheless we are very trusting and loyal to others. We are also incredibly forgiving and prone to letting go of negative incidents in order to be – unconsciously or not – a peacemaker or people who don’t really appreciate the damage we are accumulating.

Sometimes this tendency to marginalize our needs is the result of lifelong criticism and failure. Many of us are repeatedly told (often by an abuser) that we are lazy or irresponsible or unlovable. At some point we will believe it. So when someone promises to love us, we will do almost anything to keep that love alive.

But abuse never comes from love; Abuse arises from disrespect and disregard. Abusive behavior can include the victim feeling continually guilty for ADHD-related mistakes and using that guilty narrative to keep control. Abuse is not just a fight. Abuse begins when a partner doesn’t drop a problem after it has been resolved. Abuse escalates when you cry and feel powerless to stop your partner or be responsible for when you are not due to your partner’s constant hurtful behavior.

[Read This Next: ADHD Self-Doubt, Shame & Gaslighting]

In my experience, abuse comes in both short- and long-term movements, such as consistently rejecting your truth or views when trying to express yourself, or telling yourself that you are always wrong or confused even though you are actually not. Sometimes a perpetrator will throw in drama, sex, and emotional blackmail to further take you off course. As time goes on, if you set your own boundaries and give them authority, you will become more and more submissive to their views or you will simply lose the energy to deal with their crap.

It’s so important to recognize this bullying language: regular threats and shutdowns when you bring up an unresolved issue. If it’s unresolved, it’s not “all in your head”; it’s both your problem.

“Hard truths,” which are usually very personal criticisms to learn from, make them a teacher and you a student, especially if they don’t get an answer. These “truths” only destroy your self-esteem even more and unnecessarily expose your insecurities to trick them into stealing the limelight from the real issue. You do not deny your personal mistakes; There are only a few battles you don’t have to fight and those that someone who truly loves you would never insist.

Regardless of what they may say, your partner is not the only one who is “honest” with you. Family and friends care about your long-term wellbeing. Get in touch with them even if you fear that they will judge your relationship.

[Click to Read: After the Shame: How to Re-Center Your Bruised Emotions]

Abusive relationships exist for all sorts of reasons, and not every abuser is inherently bad. In my experience, abuse arises from insecurity. Your first instinct might be to try to fix your partner and solve their problems, but actually you can’t because it is not your problem or your fault. When they fall, you can’t wish away your partner’s grazed knee, and when they are abusive, you can’t love their insecurities away.

Memories and self-guilt

Sometimes we let abuse go on for too long because the abuser is linked to happy memories of a good person we loved for many good reasons. But memories are past events. Nothing more. Use your ADHD power to feel what’s happening in the now.

At the same time, accept that sometimes you will also drop the ball. It’s normal and okay to mess up little things. It’s okay not to write back right away. It’s okay to be late and apologize for it. It’s okay to actually have a room of your own. It’s not okay for them to blame you for this, and it sure doesn’t fit with their cheating on you.

If you are concerned about finding yourself in a psychologically abusive relationship, here’s my advice to gain perspective and the strength to put yourself first:

• Write everything down. Take the time it takes to reflect and write down your feelings, THEN form your own opinion or reasoning.
• Do not react when they trigger strong emotions. Put yourself in your feelings. The longer you give it, the better you can see the bigger picture of what is going on.
• Don’t blame or let yourself be blamed for your ADHD. Just because you have ADHD traits doesn’t mean you are an irrational actor or an idiot in every situation.
• Don’t let them go through your phone or social accounts or go through theirs. Anyone looking for dirt will always find it. This behavior only leads to insecurity and drama. It also shows a lack of trust, which is an equally big problem. You both have a right to private conversations. If you suspect they are spying on you, change your passwords and log out of all devices.
• It’s okay to have things that are personal to you or are private from them. Friends, a hobby, or even another gym.
• Don’t owe any debt. Pay back people quickly and get a reliable record so they can’t take advantage of it.
• If you feel threatened or trapped, leave. If they continue to react extremely (the silent treatment, violence, digging for you, withholding affection, etc.), leave you behind. Women, never forgive or excuse physical violence. Men, don’t let a woman hit and scratch you just because they know you are bigger and won’t fight back. There is no shame in walking away from a fight; nobody deserves to be hit or hurt.
• Turn off your phone if they blow it up. Phones are an easy leash and a major distraction and addiction in life. You don’t have to tell them exactly where you are, just that you are safe and need space before you are ready to get involved again. Specify a time to come back and turn off the phone.
• Without it, you are not inoperable. You were a fully functional person before and still are.
• Misery loves company and longs for empathy. Their feelings are not your problem or your fault. You will be spending 70 years on this planet – how much time and energy would you like to spend fixing someone up? Get them a therapist; won’t become one.
• What you do should never be delayed longer than it takes to resolve the problem through discussion, some cool-down time, and a practical and mutually agreeable plan to move forward to show that the two of you listened to each other. You don’t have to do what you want every time.
• “I love you” doesn’t dry tears and you don’t deserve to cry. Neither good sex nor a few days of being treated well before reverting to the same negative behavior. It’s also easy to forget that you’ve never cried so much before falling into this hole. Emotional pain can become addicting and overwhelming. It is rarely therapeutic.
• Relationships must be 50/50. You are not selfish because you have wants and needs. It’s about respect and partnership, not supply and demand.
• It’s okay to be kind to strangers and other people. Laughing with a friend of the opposite sex doesn’t mean you cannot be trusted or that you are a disloyal cheater.
• Stop taking the middle ground. If someone does something that makes you suspicious or upset, share it and insist that they take you seriously. A relationship cannot survive without respectful listening.
• You might just piss her off that day because … well, ADHD. It’s part of your very positive and lovable package, but there will always be days when your ADHD explodes and that’s not you or your fault. You deserve to be loved for both the good and the bad days. You deserve to be taken for who you are – a whole and naturally wonderful person.

Abusive Relationships and ADHD: The Next Steps

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