The Quintessential Script for Burned Out Mothers to Get What They Want at Work
On March 18th, 2020 my sons daycare center was closed and our nanny quit. All of a sudden I had a 4 month old, a 3 year old and a demanding job. “No problem,” I thought. “I can definitely do this for a month. It will be fun!”
Joke is on me.
When the pandemic began, a McKinsey report showed that 75 percent of working mothers began shouldering even more hours of childcare and housework than before. A whopping 40 percent said they worked three or more additional hours every day.
Eighteen months later, it’s no surprise that the latest version of this study shows that 42 percent of working women say they are burned out. Almost 40 percent say they are exhausted. Personally, I am shocked that the numbers are no higher.
At the same time, the explosive labor market has shifted power to the workers. As discussed in this Working Mom article, there are numerous reasons why now is a good time to ask for more. One reason stands out in particular: It costs employers almost twice as much to replace you as it does to keep you.
Unfortunately, we’ve all heard the horror stories of women who tried to negotiate and ended up suffering from backlash – they are no longer in the fast lane, they have lost their invitation to important meetings, or they have been assigned less than desirable projects. At its core, this is caused by women violating societal norms that generally expect us to focus on others – not ourselves.
Therein lies the solution.
The golden rule of negotiating as a woman is to articulate what the effects are on others: the customers, the company, your team, etc. Fortunately, as women, and especially as mothers, we often ponder the effects of our actions other. By articulating these considerations, we can reduce the risk of setbacks and ultimately increase the chances of success.
You might be thinking, “That sounds great, but I’m too tired to find out.” I understand. I’ve spent the past seven years learning how to negotiate successfully as a woman and working with clients to enable them to get what they need to be successful. Let me explain the most common scenarios I see with burned out working mothers and the words you can use to ask about what you need.
First the frame. When communicating your request to your manager, I recommend that you use the following structure: what you have achieved, what you are on the right track, and what you will need to achieve that goal. For example: “Last quarter I achieved 115 percent of our goal. I’m well on my way to doing the same this quarter and have been thinking about how to maximize my contribution to the company. ”Then switch to the question.
1. Ask about flexible working hours
For some of us, the number of hours we work is doable, but when those hours happen it creates problems. Last month, a customer struggled with weekly leadership meetings from 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. – dinner and bedtime. We did the following:
“To deliver the best product, I want to work when I can be most productive. Specifically, there is a lot going on in our household from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. Instead of working those hours, I want to log back in at 8 p.m. when I can do my best job. What do you think? “After this was agreed, the follow-up was:” What is the best way to go about postponing the leadership meeting? “
2. Asking for a sabbatical
We’ve been running on smoke for 18 months – some of us just need a breather. As mentioned earlier, your employer would likely keep you rather than lose you so your interests are already aligned.
“To continue to contribute at the level I’m proud of, I need to take the time to take care of things outside of work. I love this company and want to stay here, so I suggest a four-week sabbatical this year. I would appreciate your opinion on when the best time is. What do you think?”
3. Request for additional assistance
Sometimes the solution is as simple as moving the less valuable tasks off the plate. One way to do this: “I want to make sure I focus on the most valuable items for the company. I think that’s X and Y. Do you agree? ”(Discuss). “In order to fully focus on these, I have to delegate some of the less valuable tasks like Z. Is there anyone else on the team who could do this so that I can focus on X and Y? “
As Amy Jenkins pointed out, there is no better time to ask than now. I would love a world where all working mothers are asking for promotions, raises, high profile assignments, and more. However, as my favorite mentor told me, this is a marathon and sometimes the goal is just to keep in the race.
How you ask about what you need is a critical factor in your success. Communicate your request by highlighting your accomplishments so far and the business goal you will achieve next, then frame your request and explain how it will have a positive impact on others. You deserve to enjoy your work – to be truly successful – and that may mean you need some rest.
Kathryn Valentine is the founder of Worthmore Strategies, a consulting firm that helps companies develop and retain women. Since 2014 she has been studying how to negotiate as a woman.
