The Invisible Workload Impacts Mothers’ Wellbeing—Right here’s How To Deal with It
Recently, in the middle of a busy day, I heard a dog barking in my yard. It sounded like my son’s dog, Caesar. I stormed outside and there was Caesar in my garden staring at me with his cute eyes. My adult son Ryan was nowhere to be found.
Ryan wouldn’t dare drop his dog off with my husband in the middle of a day at work. But mom is always there to help, isn’t she? Obviously my son’s brain failed because mom is not about this life.
So what is the invisible workload?
Men spend an average of five hours more free time per week than women. In a study of 8,500 heterosexual couples, researchers found that women do the vast majority of invisible work, even when both partners have full-time careers. Working mothers already have two jobs – their careers and parenting – but with the invisible workload, there’s a third full-time job to add.
The invisible workload consists of small moments spread out over the week. It keeps track of birthdays and appointments. It is the porter of all information: Mom, did you see the extra bunch of keys? Mom, do we have crispy or smooth peanut butter? It’s about getting all of these things done while your husband is lounging on the couch, eating a Snickers bar, and playing online poker.
Above all, it is all the mental energy (read: cognitive work) that we expend every day to feed, clothe, house, organize and function our families.
Part of the problem may be ours. Too often we subconsciously take on this additional workload without realizing it. Because if we don’t, who will?
A few years ago I made a documentary in Los Angeles for my book Bare. I was in the zone rehearsing my script. My phone started ringing. I ignored it. It rang again. Annoyed, I finally answered it when I realized it was an LA number, thinking it might be work-related.
My husband Scott had ordered a plate of tacos but my son was the last one to use our GrubHub account. My son’s address was the address the poor delivery man finally went to. He said he rang the doorbell and called all of his system numbers before reaching me. After several phone calls, I resolved the situation. I also lost 30 minutes of shooting time (which I paid for).
My videographer, who was watching the whole thing, leaned over and whispered, “The invisible workload”.
He was right. There I was in LA, thousands of miles from Indiana, where the GrubHub problem was taking place, and I was in charge of fixing it. My son was MIA (read: ignoring his phone). My husband certainly didn’t check on his missing tacos. In fact, I’m pretty sure he forgot all about it and just warmed up a soup.
At the height of my burnout, I dreamed of falling ill with something serious enough to take me to the hospital but not too serious to be worried about. I was able to relax in the hospital watching the reruns of Grey’s Anatomy while the nurses brought me endless supplies of jello. Pure bliss, though I am ashamed to admit it.
However, when I consciously wanted to set and adhere to limits at home, everything changed. I delegated tasks, set boundaries and suddenly had free time to concentrate on myself. Here’s how working mothers can reduce the invisible workload:
1. Unlearn patriarchal messages
A study published in the American Sociological Review describes how women are conditioned to take on the “mental burden,” meaning that we have a responsibility to “anticipate needs, identify options for meeting them, make decisions, and Monitor progress ”.
To address the invisible workload, the first step is to break down the notion that it is our job to carry that mental burden.
2. Set boundaries (and adhere to them)
Start with open conversations with your family. Instead of asking for permission, tell your family members how and why things are changing. If boundaries slip (which happens) put them back up. For example, if you are taking care of your adult son’s dog, it is a good idea to remind your children that you are not going to do this again. Take your own dog for a walk, Ryan!
3. Delegate, delegate, delegate
I believe that 30 percent of working mothers’ to-do lists can disappear if they prioritize themselves over people’s pleasure. How can housework be divided more fairly? Can You Afford Help? With this mindset, approach your to-do list and watch as you start to make extra time for yourself. Better yet, interview your spouse and hire outside help. Another thing off your plate!
4. Prioritize your ME time
Don’t think about filling your newfound time with chores like being a more active mom at school. Making the best cupcakes for PTA bread sales is not your life’s work, I promise you that. Dedicating that time is okay if that’s what you want, but what else do you want? What are your dreams and personal goals? Would you like to take more walks? Write a book Use your “I” time to recharge and protect at all costs.
Most of all, I urge you to be patient with yourself. Think about the moments when you put on autopilot and start sorting out your husband’s taco dinner that went wrong. It takes time to break down the invisible workload. But the more you reduce your stress, the better you will feel. You have more energy, more time to focus on your goals, and more time to do what you crave.
Susan Hyatt is a Master Certified Life and Business Coach and one of the world’s leading voices on mindset, motivation and how to become an unstoppable woman. You can find her on Instagram, Facebook or listen to her podcast.
