Nonviolent Communication for ADHD Habits Issues in Youngsters
We all have childhood memories of upsetting an adult — of knowing we’re in trouble for disappointing a grown-up in one way or another. We remember the weight of our guilt and feeling like we were bad to the core.
As much as we remember the sighs, yells, and criticisms, we also remember the moments we were treated with compassion and understanding. The adults in our lives may not have known it, but in those empathetic moments, they were applying the principles of nonviolent communication with us.
Nonviolent communication (NVC) is an approach that children with ADHD and rejection sensitivity respond especially well to, in my view. As a parent with ADHD raising a child with ADHD, it’s an approach I try to embody every day.
What Is Nonviolent Communication?
NVC, created by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., is designed to help people manage conflict (in relationships, work, school, etc.) and express themselves without placing blame, shame, or guilt on others.
NVC centers on four components:
- Observation: focusing on what you see or hear, not on evaluations or labels.
- Feelings: identifying and expressing your actual emotions, not thoughts disguised as feelings.
- Needs: recognizing that feelings arise from needs being met or unmet.
- Requests: asking for clear, specific actions to help meet needs.
[Get This Free Download: How to Respond to Your Child’s Defiance]
There is much more to NVC, but its most important principle is that it requires us to take off our “adult” hats and become equals with our children. As someone who was raised in a household where children were seen, not heard, I know this is easier said than done. But a child cannot learn respect until they experience respect. And children learn to communicate effectively by being communicated with effectively.
5 Ways to Practice Nonviolent Communication with ADHD Kids
Follow these steps to incorporate the principles of NVC into your daily interactions with your child and improve your relationship with them.
1. Use “I” statements.
Instead of: Stop leaving your things everywhere! I tripped over your stuff again! Don’t be so lazy!
Nonviolent reaction: I see your shoes and backpack are on the floor. I feel frustrated when I trip over your things. I also get hurt. Please take the next minute to put your things away.
2. Avoid hyperbole.
Try not to exaggerate your child’s behaviors and avoid absolutes like “always” or “never.” Be mindful of thoughts masquerading as feelings.
Instead of: You always leave the fridge door open and walk away! You never listen to me when I ask you to be more careful. I feel like you just don’t care.
Nonviolent reaction: I came home today and found the fridge door open. I am annoyed that some of our food is now spoiled, and we need to replace it.
[Read: Your Positive Parenting Toolkit Has Arrived]
3. I feel __ because…
Connect your feelings to your needs to help your child see why something matters.
Instead of: Why are you making so much noise? Can’t you see that I’m trying to work?
Nonviolent reaction: I feel tense because I need to focus on my work but keep getting distracted by these noises. Would you lower your voice/tablet volume or move to another room so I can finish?
4. Focus on responsibility, not blame.
Let’s take it back to the open fridge door example of above.
Instead of: The food is all spoiled and it’s all your fault.
Nonviolent reaction: We’ll need to buy fresh food. Can you help by contributing from your allowance?
This principle is absolutely important for our rejection-sensitive children. Shifting from blame to responsibility reduces paralyzing shame and lets children focus on how they can make things better.
5. Let your child speak.
Even if they are whiny or hormonal. Even if they cry and seem irrational. Even if they blame everything else under the sun for their behavior, you must let your child speak. Your job is to listen and validate.
Instead of: It’s not my fault you don’t get your homework done on time! If you can’t speak to me with respect, then I don’t want to speak to you at all.
Nonviolent reaction: I hear you saying you forget about your homework and could use a reminder. I also hear you saying that it’s challenging to focus on more work after school. Let’s come up with a plan so you don’t fall behind or feel overwhelmed.
Paraphrasing your child’s words is extremely important. It calms children when they hear their own words echoed back to them with understanding. It shows them that they are worthy — because they are — of being heard.
Nonviolent Communication: ADHD Parenting Resources
SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
