Managing Sensory and Psychological Overload
In everything from teen rom coms to relationship advice columns, kissing is painted as the litmus test for love, desire, and connection. What’s often overlooked is how complicated kissing can be for neurodivergent people, whose brains and bodies process touch, taste, and proximity differently.
“Why Don’t I Like Kissing?” The ADHD Sensory Block
For many of my clients with ADHD, kissing isn’t always the warm, intimate act it’s “supposed” to be. Instead, it can feel like a sensory storm.
There’s too much saliva and not enough breathing. You can taste hints of what your partner ate for lunch earlier. There’s the irritating texture of stubble on their face. And distractions coming from the TV or a buzzing phone. You notice your hair is stuck to your lip. You’re suddenly hyperaware of how close you are to someone’s face.
ADHD brains are already processing an abundance of sensory input on a good day. Add in an intimate situation with high emotional stakes, and you’ve got a recipe for distraction, discomfort, or shutdown.
But It’s Not Just Sensory: Kissing and Mental Bandwidth
Neurotypical intimacy scripts treat kissing as a baseline requirement for intimacy and for building a relationship. But when kissing is uncomfortable or dysregulating, partners can misinterpret that as rejection, lack of attraction, or emotional disconnection.
Intimacy challenges aren’t always about desire or love, as neurotypical advice would have us believe. Beyond sensory blocks, they are sometimes about the brain’s ability to regulate attention, emotion, and working memory (i.e., executive functions) under real-time, sensory, and social pressure.
- If you’re spending mental bandwidth on managing discomfort instead of enjoying the moment, that can lead to emotional regulation fatigue.
- If you have to remember to initiate kissing to keep your partner happy, that’s pressure on working memory.
- If you’re trying to prevent your partner from feeling rejected, you’re layering in impulse control and social monitoring — hotspots for ADHD burnout.
Ideas to Feel Close: Alternatives to Kissing
Kissing is only one of many ways to connect and it’s not automatically the most intimate or sensual.
Think of intimacy like a playlist: You don’t need to play the same track every time to keep the mood alive. Sometimes you need options.
- Forehead or temple kisses: gentler contact with less sensory overwhelm.
- Playful micro touches: a squeeze of the hand, a brush of the fingers, a tap on the hip while passing by.
- Shared sensory anchors: holding hands under a blanket, sitting with your legs intertwined, leaning shoulder to shoulder during a show.
- Parallel play intimacy: being together in the same space doing different activities (reading, cooking, gaming) while staying connected through the small glances or shared commentary.
- Eye contact: short bursts of focused connection without physical touch can sometimes feel more intimate than kissing ever could.
ADHD and Kissing: Start the Conversation
If kissing feels like a block for you, the first step is honesty with your partner.
- Name the experience without apologizing for it. (“It’s not that I don’t want to be close to you, it’s that kissing can trigger sensory overload for me.”)
- Explain what does work for your brain and body.
- Make it collaborative by inviting your partner(s) to explore new options together.
💋 ADHD Kissing and Intimacy: Next Steps
SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
