How My ADHD Self-Consciousness Improved: An Impulsive Buddy
The hardest part about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) isn’t procrastination, time blindness, or disorganization. It’s when my rare chaotic moments spill over and affect my loved ones. It means abandoning or insulting other people without realizing or intentional, and then being haunted by their reactions when they misunderstand my intentions. Not knowing how to do better, so relying on their kindness and forgiveness – again.
I recently went on a trip with someone who has ADHD but is not on medication. It’s great, but during the trip I finally saw why people find my less charming ADHD traits frustrating.
When impulsiveness hinders others
We were going to a party in my new campervan and there was a bottle of whiskey in the cab. My buddy was bored so he asked if he could have a drink. I said no. Didn’t want to explain the alcohol smell when stopped. It was also more likely that I was stopped for waving the bottle around in the cab. Also, chances seemed high that he spilled some alcohol on my new seats as we drove on country roads.
But because he was nervous about the party, he laughed about it, said “it’s fiiiin”, then opened the bottle anyway and took a few sips when he thought I wasn’t looking and smiled cheekily because he knew I was explicitly told him not to do it. When I told him to stop, he said “it’s fiiiin” again, pointed his index finger at me and took another sip.
“Being naughty” is typical ADHD behavior. Usually it’s fine – almost fun – and in some situations, people with ADHD are secretly adored for their heroism. But when people are stressed and we continue to act without reading the room or seeing our impulsive actions and persistence come across (basically, we seem to reject the thoughts and feelings of others) it causes real problems.
[Use This Free Handout: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions]
Perceived disrespect sparked my ADHD emotions
I felt disrespectful for being clear but ignored – having this drink was more important to him than my feelings. Although his behavior put me in danger, I felt like the spoilsport.
I resisted the urge to toss it out of my van along with the bottle. Fortunately for him, the whiskey was expensive and his seat belt was buckled. Though I may have stepped on the brakes when he took his third sip.
After we parked, I grabbed the bottle, took a long swig myself, and released my pent-up anger. I told him (and most of the campsite) exactly why I was so angry. For a moment, my little breakout felt good.
Then I saw the horror, the shame, and the real remorse in his eyes, hidden behind his embarrassed, cheeky grin.
I have been disappointed and ashamed of myself because for the first time I saw how it must feel to deal with me when I am manic or inconsiderate.
[Read This: “Dash of Patience, Smidgen of Honesty: A Recipe for Friendship”]
I knew my anger upset him, even though he tried to laugh at it at first. Then he withdrew, ashamed, as I sometimes do.
Being a good friend is more important than being right
He could have just given me five minutes, got me a beer, or said he was sorry, but because of embarrassment, he didn’t. Instead, he avoided me. He also didn’t try to make it up to it, and later admitted experiencing RSD (repulsive dysphoria) and was overwhelmed by the feeling that he had let me down.
I get it. I’ve been to this hole many times. So I did what I hope someone will do for me when I’m in a similar situation: I went to the van, grabbed two glasses and the bottle he hid under the seat poured him one, gave him a manly squeeze to the shoulder, said “cheers” and some other inappropriate words and made him apologize.
I realized that it was more important to make it clear, verbally and through my immediate actions, that my feelings are more important to me than that I am right. Yes, I was mad at him, but in hindsight, this experience gave me a rare glimpse into things that people with ADHD often find difficult to see: what it actually feels like to deal with us when we are difficult, and why some people do Finding people with whom we humans find ADHD difficult to manage.
I came to the same conclusion about my friend that the people who love me say about me: “He can be a little bit at times, but he has a heart of gold and he always means well. He’s a good person and I don’t know why, but I love him. “
Basically, my boyfriend is loyal, kind, generous, gracious, and incredibly funny – outbursts and everything.
I don’t remember what happened the rest of the night, but I think we ended up going swimming because some idiot left my soaking wet, muddy jeans on my now ruined seats.
RSD and ADHD: The Next Steps
SUPPORT ADDITIONAL
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider registering. Your readership and your support help make our content and reach possible. Thanks very much.
Save on computer
Previous article Next article
