Have I Overreacted? 5 Methods I Make Amends for RSD Feelings
It’s time of crisis. I know because my heart rate is high. A lump forms in my throat. My muscles feel tense and alive. I hear words but it’s part of the blur around me as I’m hit by a thousand stimuli at once. My mind races as I consider possible escape routes and threats. Everything is slow and fast at the same time.
Something happened and it’s up to me to find out what it is and deal with it safely. It could be anything – a car accident, a death, a breakup, an arrest – it doesn’t matter. The point is I’m losing control and I need to regain that control to keep us safe.
My ADHD goes up as the adrenaline levels rise. In many ways, ADHD symptoms have evolved in such a way that individuals with ADHD are hardwired to recognize a real threat and to assess and respond immediately without fear or consideration of long-term consequences.
We’ll skip any bits we don’t need, including the logic, and jump right into the action. Our minds are on autopilot: just stop the threat. Make everyone safe. Don’t rest until your mission is complete. Take care of the consequences later.
The only problem is that the big threat this time is… 10 party bangers and a loud “Surprise!”
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But it’s too late. I hear loud bangs and see a lot of movement in my actually empty apartment. I hyper focus on the bright streamers and fiery candles stinging my face along with the loud noises around me. My mind and body are consumed: “We are under attack: protect your girlfriend!” I quickly pass on the non-threatening hints and details. I’m not just ruining the surprise; I decimate it.
My flight-or-fight impulses cause me to push the homemade cake my lovely grandmother was brandishing behind the front door away from me with one hand and hurl my partner back into the hall to protect her with the other.
Now Grandma is lying on a beanbag chair four feet from her indoor stand (walker), her legs and petticoats flapping in the air above her, covered in icing that says “Happy Birthday” and four letters of my name. Meanwhile, I’m standing in the middle of this mess, screaming, “Sorry! Forgiveness! Sorry!” while waving my arms like a penguin who’s just had four espressos.
Everyone screams and looks at me in horror (except Grandma, who reassures me, “It’s okay, love!” as I rush across my freshly frozen floor to pick her up, and my brother, who is crying with laughter).
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I feel overwhelmed and try to explain myself. I forget to apologize and just start blaring everything in my head as the place erupts around me. It’s mayhem!
So, how should I deal with this and other similar situations? Here is my hard learned process:
- Close your eyes. Turn everything off and take a deep breath. Make sure you speak clearly and say, “I’m sorry.” Just say it once. The more you talk, the more it sounds like you’re making excuses.
- Remove yourself from the situation and deal with your emotions. Tell people where you’re going (behind a bush, another room, etc.) and let them get things done while you pull yourself together. Otherwise, your stressed-out pursuit will exacerbate everyone else’s reaction. Give them space to feel their feelings – at least 15 minutes. Take the time to think about what happened.
- Return once you’ve calmed down and apologize again. Explain that you were trying to do the right thing in the moment and made a mistake. You meant well and you’re sorry. (Your motive is just as important as your actions.)
- Do something small to show that you care, like tidying up. Take responsibility for your actions; talk to someone you’ve hurt when they’re ready. Don’t hate yourself for what you’ve done; Remember that very little is totally unforgivable.
- Once everyone is quiet hear and do what they say is necessary to please them. Don’t deviate from their directions (unless they’re telling you to take a long walk off a short cliff, or they’re just being mean) and let them come up to you if they don’t want to speak when you are approach them for the first time. Accept constructive advice, but not personal criticism (someone who just calls you an idiot isn’t helpful).
Finally, keep your Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) in check. Remember not to take personally what people are saying in this moment, especially if they’re the hot-headed type. You also have the right to react, but that doesn’t mean you’re automatically the worst person to ever react the way you did. Even if people tell you to “get off,” that doesn’t mean they don’t love you — it might even turn into a loveable story that you’ll both laugh about one day.
Much luck.
Overreacted: Next steps
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