Easy methods to Assist Autistic Youngsters Make Pals
Watching my preschool son at the playground was stressful. It’s where we picked up early clues that he was different. He didn’t understand the other kids’ way of playing. While he was motivated to connect with them, he didn’t know how.
Kids could tell he was different, but they weren’t sure in what way. He was just quirky enough to become an object of curiosity rather than a friend.
Other signs of his social challenges became apparent over time. He struggled to understand others’ perspectives. He lacked confidence. He didn’t have an instinct for who to approach, and after a few misfires, he would withdraw and give up.
When my son started school, we were told that he needed help with social development and peer communication. In other words, he had to learn friendship skills, explicitly. Soon we had an autism diagnosis, and it all made a little more sense.
I’m overjoyed to say that my son, now 12, has friends he cherishes — friends who are neurodivergent like him. While we both felt the pain of his earlier friendship challenges, we are all in a better place now.
If your neurodivergent child longs for social connection, consider these steps that helped my child make good, caring friends.
[Get This Free Download: A Friendship Guide for Kids with ADHD]
1. Explore Social Skills Groups
We were fortunate to join a school with inclusion and social development baked into its values. Still, we took extracurricular friendship classes after school. The program we joined included a parent training component that had us practice scripts, facilitate phone calls, and report our child’s progress on social-skills homework. (The children worked on their social skills in a separate group.)
Some people may question the value of teaching autistic kids friendship skills, and I understand why. I don’t want my kid to be taught arbitrary neurotypical norms. I don’t care if he makes eye contact or small talk and I would never force any kid to make a friend. The deciding factor for us was my son’s longing for connection. Though he never asked for play dates, I saw how happy he got when I arranged time with other kids.
2. Question your Urge to Intervene
Many times throughout my child’s friendship journey, I had to ask myself, “Is my urge to intervene coming from his longing to connect, or from my anxiety that he may never have friends?”
Grounding myself, I would observe. Did he actually want to join the game, or was he content to watch? I guess watching a game before jumping in makes sense, honestly.
Pausing to consider what’s really going on will help you avoid pressuring your child and even creating awkward social situations.
[Read: Will My Child Ever Have a Best Friend?]
3. Choose the Right People for Play Dates
Parents of “easy” kids will not plan ahead for play dates. In fact, they will probably see the play date as a way to take a break. When I get a call ahead of time from a parent asking probing questions and setting clear boundaries, I know I’ve found my people.
4. Prepare Your Child
Use social stories, checklists, or role-play with puppets to get your child ready. Discuss what to expect: time of day, activity, food, and location. Keep playdates short, and don’t stress if a friendship doesn’t blossom in an hour. Kids need time to warm up. My son’s relationship with one friend started off rocky and improved over time.
5. Support Your Child’s “Friend Files”
Once your child has a friend, encourage a mental “friend file.” After each visit, ask what they learned about their friend and remind them before the next meeting. If they’re unsure what the other child likes, don’t push — perhaps you noticed something you can gently suggest.
6. Suggest Questions, But Don’t Force It
Asking questions is pivotal to building friendships. When your child is ready, they can ask a question and listen to the answer. If they’re stuck, suggest questions or role-play with puppets. Nonspeaking kids can use gestures or their AAC device.
7. It’s a Process
Some days your child will talk your ear off about the classmate with shared interests; other days, social challenges will feel overwhelming. My own child is still learning how to ask friends to hang out after school, but that will come. Social skills – and good friendships – don’t develop overnight.
Neurodivergent Youth and Friendships: Next Steps
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