Disgrace Cycle with ADHD: How I Keep away from Spiraling
As I cleaned out my desk drawer recently, I stumbled upon a collection of pictures I intended to share but never did: school photos, holiday cards, baby pictures. Sweet moments now engulfed in flames of guilt. Not a single picture had ever been mailed out as I had planned.
The shame was immediate. I thought back to the wedding thank-you notes, Christmas cards of years past, and other items that I likewise never got around to mailing. I remembered the many times I thought, “I’ll get to it later.” But later stretched into years, and now here we are.
The regret is present and heavy as I equate my lack of follow-through with incontrovertible proof of my laziness and carelessness. That I’m a terrible parent and friend by extension.
[Read: ADHD and the Epidemic of Shame]
I’m no stranger to automatic thoughts like these and to trips down the shame spiral — journeys familiar to practically everyone with ADHD. But I’m also becoming more adept at the essential art of reframing.
Though I live with ADHD, I am still learning and accepting that the condition impacts my ability to:
- hold on to important information
- initiate tasks without external pressure
- manage time – because my perception of it is different
- remember things I can’t see – if something isn’t in front of me, it easily slips my mind
Break the ADHD Shame Cycle
Nowadays, I’m getting better at reminding myself that some challenges are not a matter of willpower, but of how my brain is wired. When I notice myself spiraling into shame, I pause and ask myself four questions:
- Do I love my child?
- Am I a good person?
- Is shame helping me in any positive way?
- What does help? Utilizing strategies, self-acceptance, and forgiveness.
[Read: 6 Steps to Dismantling Internalized Shame]
So, I talk back to that critical voice. I’ve even given it the name “Britta.” (Inspired by the well-intentioned but often chaotic character from the show Community.) I challenge those ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) and recognize when my rejection sensitivity is kicking in.
Then, I focus on next steps. Can I take some action to rectify the problem, or is it a matter of letting go and moving on? Do I need to work backward from the desired outcome to determine next steps? Do I need to call an accountability buddy (a body double) to help me focus?
For now, I’ve decided to let go and keep the photos in the drawer. This time, though, I add a handwritten note for future me, designed to halt shame in its tracks. It reads: “These unsent pictures do not mean that you are a bad mother. You are a mom with ADHD who is navigating a full life, and that is perfectly acceptable.”
Shame Cycle and ADHD: Next Steps
SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
