Change Begins with Dad and mom: Seizing the Reins
Sneak preview! We’re excited to share an excerpt on how to start as a parent for your family from the brand new book by our friend and colleague Mark Bertin, MD. “Mindful Parenting For ADHD: A Guide To Cultivating Calm, Stress Relief, And Thriving Children” is essential read!
Change begins with the parents – adapting the mindset
“When a child lags behind their peers in speaking, adults instinctively adjust their own language and expectations. When a child is learning to walk slowly, they offer support without rushing to catch up with everything at once. In children with ADHD, delays in performance or behavior that is not adapted to age are often incorrectly attributed to a lack of exertion or a lack of care. However, as with any developmental delay, ADHD requires that adults develop appropriate interventions that can help children find their way around.
It is normal for parents living with ADHD to be frustrated, disappointed, or overwhelmed with a child’s behavior, but a general concept applies: If you expect something new to happen today without changing your approach, most likely yours will strengthen. If your child’s ADHD is causing some kind of challenge that keeps coming up, you need to grapple with it to create an opportunity for change.
By sharing age-appropriateness expectations, you can see your child’s abilities as they currently are. Even if children grow out of certain problems with enough time, you can’t expect faster progress without an effective plan. Instead of wrestling with how your child should be or behave, you can portray ADHD as a delay in acquiring certain skills.
A common trigger for problem behavior is asking a child with ADHD to do something beyond their current capabilities. If she can’t get ready for school without memories, it leads to a fight when she expects it. If school requirements overestimate her current level of independence in completing tasks, she will have trouble at school. On the other hand, if all you do is adjust the environment to help your child deal with their ADHD, behavioral and academic improvements will follow.
Seeing ADHD as a self-management disorder that manifests itself uniquely for each child enables lucid parenting. Whether your child is having trouble getting attention while playing, has a terribly messy room, or never manages to bring home the right books to do their homework, just remember that these behaviors are symptoms of ADHD . Instead of punishing such behavior, you can come up with a plan to help your child succeed in overcoming it.
From what we say and how we say it, to what we do and don’t do, all of our actions have an impact. This fact underlies fundamental behavior management strategies.
With positive feedback, you can reinforce and reinforce appropriate behaviors. You can reduce unwanted behavior by ignoring it or providing corrective feedback. These actions will educate your child by creating consistent messages about the implications of their choices. That way you can take the reins of ADHD in hand.
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Exercise: Fifteen breaths
As you go deeper into understanding your child’s ADHD and learn to deal with it, you will continue to be self-aware. Watch out for when you feel excited, shut down, or exhausted. These feelings may come and go, but they are as real as the neurology of ADHD. As you create a plan to manage your child’s ADHD, continue to emphasize the work you began in the previous chapter: taking care of yourself.
Finding even a few moments of time off to rest, exercise, or talk to a friend can be a challenge for parents. Another way to take a break is to take fifteen mindful breaths (Gunaratana 2014); it only takes about sixty seconds. When you start to feel confused or exhausted, or when you move on from one part of your day to the next, you almost always have a minute to spare.
To do this exercise, focus on your next fifteen breaths without trying to do anything
happen beyond observing and letting go. Expect distracted thoughts and anything else that tugs at you. When your mind wanders, return to where you left off counting. Bring your attention back to the moment and your breathing in a casual way as often as necessary.
Many fears and mental exhaustion result from becoming addicted to thoughts: to-do lists, fears, regrets, and so on. The mind has a hard time letting go of anything that feels uncomfortable. Practice letting go of these thoughts for a moment without trying to suppress these thoughts. In the middle of a hectic day, give yourself the chance to do nothing, plan, or fix anything for fifteen breaths. In this mindful minute you can regroup and redirect yourself. “
Reprinted with permission: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Copyright © 2015 by Mark Bertin
